Amy Campbell writes on her fear of things getting better
You know what freaks me out? The idea of things getting better. It’s like, if I look back on what I remember to be the happiest times of my life and compare them to how I feel today, I realise how much happier I am now. And that scares me.
I’ve had a lot of best friends, people I’ve been impossibly close to, people who were my whole world, who gave definition to the last f in bff. I’m still friends with most of them, on very good terms, although in some cases it’s taken us a couple of years to get there. But there’s things there that weren’t there before. Awkward silences that make you wonder how you once talked to this person all day every day and can you really have changed so much that all you can think of now to say is “I hope the sun comes back before the holidays”.
Fourth Year in school was a great year for me. No pressure to study and do homework or even go to class, I immersed myself in extra curricular events and entered competitions and joined every club an overly enthusiastic teacher told us about. And I had this best friend. We were inseparable, arm-linking, sentence-finishing, borrowing-each-others-stuff-so-often-that-they-just-became-“ours” sort of people. Everyone used to run our names together into one, we used to start singing the same song at the same time in two part harmony. But now, not so much. The idea of having another best friend one day used to worry me; I was so completely content with her.
Fifth Year has had a lot more lows, a lot more tears and hiding in bathroom cubicles than the year before. My best friend and I became less two-part harmony and more cancelled plans and Facebook messages “seen at 16:34”. But the good parts have been really, really good.
It turns out I in fact am the type of girl who’s sister gets mad at her for laughing at her laptop when she’s talking to her best friend, the type of girl who breaks out in mile wide grins at work when she remembers a conversation from six months ago. It got so much better than what I thought was the best.
So then, why am I afraid? I think because I don’t want this time in my life to someday seem less important. I don’t want the things that make me happy to change, I don’t want find people who make me happier than these ones. I am so, so happy with who I am right now and I don’t want to see a day when I’m not the short girl with too much glitter eyeliner and an accent you can’t quite place who loves gay boys and glee and blue bon bons. I don’t want to lose the bffs who taught me less about “forever” and more about “friends”. And gosh, I really don’t want to forget.
These are the sort of fears that make me Facebook message “does the idea of things getting better scare you” out of the blue to a friend that I don’t usually message with meaningful questions. It lead to an amazing conversation though, but unfortunately that just added to my list of things I’m worried won’t mean as much to me when I’m 31 and married (to a secretly closeted man with possibly children and definitely a pomeranian called Kurt) as they do now.
I think I’m worried that one day I’ll look back while cooking tagliatelle and remark on how long it’s been since I’ve thought of my seventeenth year of life and I’ll struggle to remember the last name of the boy who perfectly summed up how I feel with the sentence ” I see all the people I love and I don’t want things to change, even if it makes my situation better”. I’m scared that while I’m draining the pasta into the sink and calling down my possible children for dinner, that I’ll smile fondly at the memories, but conclude that I wasn’t really happy at all.
Young Thug, Freddie Gibbs, ASAP Ferg // Old English
RL Grime // Core
Rustie (feat. Danny Brown) // Attak
The Weeknd // King Of The Fall
Mellowhype // I Am A
From the Vault:
Pulp // Babies
Sun Ra // Door To The Cosmos
The Rolling Stones // Paint It Black
Chet Baker // I Can’t Get Started
Gang Starr // Work
Song of the Week:
Princess Nokia // Dragons
Bahar Yürükoğlu: Drawing connections between contemporary culture and the natural landscape
I first encountered Bahar Yürükoğlu’s work before I knew it was Bahar Yürükoğlu’s. I remember glimpsing past an image online and being fascinated, because of the way its frozen geometrics and shifting lights drew me into a certain atmosphere— like suddenly inhabiting a question.
Yürükoğlu’s work inspires the viewer to take pause and reflect, not only because of the thoughts and ideas behind their construction, but due to the multidimensionality of each piece, which echos our complex connection to the natural environment. She often plays with the sometimes transparent, sometimes reflective nature of the plexi, and neon colors that seem to emanate light.
During a recent residency in Iceland, Yürükoğlu photographed the summertime phenomenon known as “Midnight Sun,” where, at extreme northern latitudes, the sun never sets. Every hour for twenty-four hours, she took a photograph of the intensely chromatic sky and its impression on the rocky vista below. The result gives an impression of this remarkable natural occurrence, featuring the shifting hues of light across a jagged landscape.
The most powerful of the works, I think, are large prints of photographs that stage the planes of plexiglass in Wyoming landscapes, reflecting mountain and fauna here and there. The crush of the snow against the dewy planes is somehow poignant, and certainly fresh.
Shane Morgan marks the three year anniversary of the death of modern blues/jazz icon Amy Winehouse with an essential Top 10 Playlist
10. Between The Cheats
9. (There Is) No Greater Love
8. Body & Soul (with Tony Bennet)
7. Back To Black
6. Our Day Will Come
5. Stronger Than Me
4. Love is a Losing Game (original demo)
3. Fuck Me Pumps
1. Me & Mr. Jones
Back to Black’s motown influences are heard here more than any where else on the album, and Amy’s joyous wit is a refreshing break from the intense bleakness found on every other song. Featuring genius put-downs (no you ain’t worth guest list // plus one of all them girls you kissed), hip-hop references (you made me miss the Slick Rick gig) and a new addition to the English language (Fuckery), it is her masterpiece - a beautiful blend of palpable pain, hilarity and wisdom - all tied together by her unique sultry alto. There will never be another - rest in peace.
thanks a lot, we’re glad you’re enjoying it!! and yeah Fall in Love was our song of the week a while back, it’s really excellent